Growing up, I had this clear vision of how I would like my life to be in future. I know, sounds childlike and immature to expect things to go my way, but I was optimistic enough to know that even if it didn’t go as I planned, the end result would be pretty close to my own plan. Isn’t that what we were always taught, aim for the stars, so you’d at least get to the moon? So yes, like a lot of people, I had a plan. But unlike most, I was lucky (or unlucky) enough to hold on to this plan up to my young adulthood. I have lived most of my life so far under the guidelines of this plan, the basics of it controlled my actions and most of my decisions.
Then at one point, the structure of this whole plan started to feel so fragile, almost imaginary. I couldn’t see the point of it all, the life I had imagined seemed so unfamiliar and unlike me. I started to hate the very things that I had once believed to be important parts of me. I think its part of growth when old beliefs and perceptions start to feel so foreign and uncomfortable. Naturally I had to adapt and give up this plan. The idea of not having something to look forward to was so scary that for a while I lived in this limbo of lying to myself, thinking I was just taking a break, from myself and my plan, that I’d be back to normal in no time. But the break didn’t end, and uncertainty became my new normal. I had to learn that I am never really in control, at least not as much as I thought I was, and as much as having a sort of a plan is considered healthy, it’s probably best not to get too attached to it.
The beauty of confusion lies in the uncertainty of it all. Having zero expectations for the future means every little experience is appreciated. Not having a plan for the next day means I am more open to new opportunities. It’s freeing to have this carefree mind-set where my actions and decisions are not held back by a rigid set of instructions. Gratitude comes easier now than before, because nothing is expected. I am more intentional, because I don’t know how anything I do is going to turn out, so I put my best foot forward. Self-forgiveness is easy, because I’m simply allowing myself to live. Letting go of ideologies, objects and even people has become easy too, because now I know that nothing is promised and entitlement is toxic.
So, for now I do not have a plan, I am just living, seeing what the next hour or day has in store for me. I know this is probably just a phase, but I am willing to live and learn through it as much as I can, until I can’t anymore.