Freedom in confusion

Growing up, I had this clear vision of how I would like my life to be in future. I know, sounds childlike and immature to expect things to go my way, but I was optimistic enough to know that even if it didn’t go as I planned, the end result would be pretty close to my own plan. Isn’t that what we were always taught, aim for the stars, so you’d at least get to the moon? So yes, like a lot of people, I had a plan. But unlike most, I was lucky (or unlucky) enough to hold on to this plan up to my young adulthood. I have lived most of my life so far under the guidelines of this plan, the basics of it controlled my actions and most of my decisions.

Then at one point, the structure of this whole plan started to feel so fragile, almost imaginary. I couldn’t see the point of it all, the life I had imagined seemed so unfamiliar and unlike me. I started to hate the very things that I had once believed to be important parts of me. I think its part of growth when old beliefs and perceptions start to feel so foreign and uncomfortable. Naturally I had to adapt and give up this plan. The idea of not having something to look forward to was so scary that for a while I lived in this limbo of lying to myself, thinking I was just taking a break, from myself and my plan, that I’d be back to normal in no time. But the break didn’t end, and uncertainty became my new normal. I had to learn that I am never really in control, at least not as much as I thought I was, and as much as having a sort of a plan is considered healthy, it’s probably best not to get too attached to it.

The beauty of confusion lies in the uncertainty of it all. Having zero expectations for the future means every little experience is appreciated. Not having a plan for the next day means I am more open to new opportunities. It’s freeing to have this carefree mind-set where my actions and decisions are not held back by a rigid set of instructions. Gratitude comes easier now than before, because nothing is expected. I am more intentional, because I don’t know how anything I do is going to turn out, so I put my best foot forward. Self-forgiveness is easy, because I’m simply allowing myself to live. Letting go of ideologies, objects and even people has become easy too, because now I know that nothing is promised and entitlement is toxic.

So, for now I do not have a plan, I am just living, seeing what the next hour or day has in store for me. I know this is probably just a phase, but I am willing to live and learn through it as much as I can, until I can’t anymore.

Why Not?…

Everyone has that one thing that seems to come easy and effortlessly. It is what is mostly referred to as a talent or an ability. Mine is writing. I express myself best when I write something down, be it a text message or a simple note. It is typically not the most common type of communication, because for most us, we’ve been made to believe that effective communication involves spoken word, aka talking. Which is why for the longest time I considered myself a poor communicator. Don’t get me wrong, I am fluent when speaking, it’s just that my thoughts flow perfectly but betray me and lose all their organization once i speak them out. Things I say never seem to have the same impact or emphasis compared to my thoughts. Yes, I am one of those people who spend a whole day texting long paragraphs back and forth, but have awkward and uncomfortable silences in between phone calls. This difference in communication made a huge impact in my teenage years, you know that stage when you’re constantly in disagreement with your parents about almost everything, I got so fed up by having my misunderstood that I started writing notes to my mother. It was weird at first, but God bless her heart, because she went with it. I realized then that writing things down was the truest way to express myself, not just to pass information but creatively too. But even knowing that, I’ve always thought that for me to use my ability, I need to have my life figured out, have things going for me, and just have writing as an extra. And this thought has carried on for so long that I always find an excuse not to commit to it. Luckily, some friends gave me some much needed push, and reminded me of simple truths, one major one being that I have this amazing ability, and that’s all that matters.

So here I am, not having my life figured or a lot of things going for me, writing, about anything and everything. Sharing the bits and pieces of the world as I see it, and just pouring out my thoughts into keyboard, and hoping that they make sense to someone as they do in my head.