Have you ever looked at someone enjoy what they are doing and thought to yourself “Wow! I want whatever they are on”. Well, I have, countless times. It’s actually been a life-long desire of mine, to enjoy whatever it is in doing at whatever time. However, desire and a willingness to be in this state are not enough, at least in my experience so far, you have to actually find that thing that you will enjoy. And this sounds really simple, right, but for some (me) it’s not been easy. This brings me to this unnerving quest to define and find my passion.
It’s been ingrained in me that I have to put my best foot forward in everything I do, so to me, efficiency and effectiveness come naturally. Any task I have to do is done to the letter, doesn’t help that I suffer a bit of perfectionism. So it’s easy for someone on the outside to admire my ‘work ethic’ and conclude that I am actually really good at what I’m doing, even passionate about it. But if I was being honest, if I could count the number of things I have done perfectly without even enjoying or finding the least bit of fulfillment in them, I would probably run out of fingers to count. This simple fact of being good at a lot of things without necessarily wanting to do them on a long-term basis makes this quest a lonely one. There is no way anyone would understand that I am struggling when to them there are so many options of things I could do and be good at. Talking about it just makes me come off as lazy and unmotivated, and it’s easy to get influenced by people’s opinions. So it’s better not to openly talk about it and just figure it out as I go.
I learned that it is valid enough for me to want to experience fulfillment, that this desire to want to do something that I enjoy every day isn’t a fool’s wish. I just need to be relentless in finding it, stay open to trying as much as I can, until something clicks. I am also redefining what passion is, that it is not one big specific thing/activity, it can be a multitude of things, as big as a life-altering profession to as little as a single moment in time. This mindset is keeping me open to experience every minute to its fullest. I have found passion in spending time with friends and family, sharing my presence and warmth with the people that I care about. I have found passion in conversations that spark something, anything in me. I have learned to identify the things, people and, activities that I genuinely enjoy, and made a point to engage them in any way I can. I still haven’t found that big thing that I’ll do, but I am pretty confident that I am showing up with passion and purpose in every moment.